take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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