Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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