Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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