Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
