I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
