yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
