1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
