She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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