god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
