I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
