She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
