I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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