Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Randomize
