i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
