I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
