Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
