last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
