so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
