We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
