i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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