It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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