Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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