I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
