Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
