there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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