I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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