the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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