On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
