So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
