3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
