how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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