Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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