you turned your livingroom into a bong?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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