So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
