Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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