Need sex. Gaining weight.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
