I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
