I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
