I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
