I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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