She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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