meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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