Can i not drive my cunt home
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
