"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
