I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
