..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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