I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
