I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
