I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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