He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
