No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
