The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
