I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
