I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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