Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
