I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
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i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
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The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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