Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
In other news, I just burned my penis
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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