Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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