My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
